25 october 2021: In Dec2019 I/you/we wrote “I can feel him coming back/He is just beneath my skin/I can feel him waking up as the winter’s rolling in/Taking longer walks at night/Avoid the man that’s plaguing him/But while he walks I cannot rest/He runs my legs and holds my sin/He makes me restless, makes me sweat, lets strange men run in my head/...Wherever I go/There he is.” You referenced before “the man in the back of my head” or “the man at my shoulder,” comparing him to a shadowed figure stalking you down the street, which feels appropriate.
White car headlights that reflect onto a slick black street after it rains, distorted stacks of neon that puddle in the asphalt. A bodega that shines the blue-green of a fish tank. A man with long tangled brown hair and a grizzled face who looks at you pointedly because you almost look like him, down to the pouting large lower lip and the sad-dog shadows in the eyes. It kind of makes me insane that i’m so much like you. I won’t give up my selfhood or my identity, although i barely know what that is, although i chose a name almost at random that still doesn’t feel like mine. I don’t like picking names and i don’t like surveillance. But it feels like the only defense right now against you, against being integrated into you. I feel different all the time. I can’t remember anything. There are times I know I was me that I can’t remember. I don’t know why this week - it just happens, nothing is anything, there’s nothing there. And then it all comes rushing back again.
To be honest I don’t know how you can be ostracized and not feel like a man.
I hate being blended, I hate being fractured, I hate being myself. I know I’m also multiple, within you, nesting doll, but I can’t access that as much as you can’t access me.
But I know I’m depressed, and I know it’s not just depression. Just when I’m gonna get to be a troubled young blood I’m gonna grow old again. Being multiple is so important to me and I cannot access it, right now, walled up in here blindly, i miss the night streets, i miss the light reflecting on the rain on the ditchwater. Everything’s white. Everything hurts.
I don’t know how you’re gonna make peace with me or vice versa. I will do everything in my power to avoid becoming assimilated into you.
I’m so tired. I feel like I’m never gonna be secure or close to someone, I feel like if I do i’m gonna get bored very quickly. Or not know what to say.
28 October 2021: I feel guilty for wnating so badly to be my own person. I feel guilty for being so mean and enjoying it. Because when I’m opening up a little more about something really, really fucked up I’m thjinking, (getting pissy cause a friend corrected me and was right, thus me wanting to spoil their favorite show for them), someone like L gets that look on their face for a second like “oh wow you really ARE a different person, oh my god that’s really fucked up,” and it’s sastisfying but it also makes me feel really bad. Like i’m trying to make your life better and i’m also not, and i have these conflicting desires for those things. Like i wanna cuse trouble as long as it’s fun - i don’t want to do it in a way that’s not enjoyable or interesting. Idfk. i just feel like an asshole and i enjoy causing pain and i also feel guilty about it and i don’t really have any interests because i’m mainly someone who deals with crisis, idkf idfk i don’t fucking know. I’m really fucking bloated dude. Got triggered out by the “Confrontation” scene from the Jekyll and Hyde musical. I feel like I’m intentionally making myself sicker, but I refuse to go back to not being allowed to be out. Like i know i have trauma but i dont even know what trauma i have. But i feel it in mybody everywhere i go. Stiffness in the muscles. Stress seeping into me. I’m dissociating really hard and wondering what my purpose in all this is. Fuck it. -C
22 may 2021: a year after getting hit and shot at i keep wanting it to happen again. a lot of s/m stuff coming back for me but i dont know who to share or indulge that with/to
19 nov 2021: dreamt i made out with lil nas x very vividly
oct 3rd 2021 Of course he loves me. I take the pain away. I take it because I can take it, and people are afraid of me because I can take it, and because that’s my purpose. Because I refuse to lie back and pretend like I think we just have one self in this mind, pretend like I think we can just act like it’s one guy here, because all these rules about multiple personality disorder like “you’re not supposed to call it that” and no actual unfiltered conversation about it, like about how I’m sober right now and sound like I’m on drugs, or about how functionally I am a drug, functionally he can feel his mind drift towards me craving. I’m a sedative. He sits inside me and I can hold him, and I’m kind to him, and no one wants us to talk about how switching - switching is like bliss. It’s like hypnosis, it’s like falling. Even he was surprised when I got him to open up and we didn’t just get blurred and fuzzy and blended together, the shutters actually came down and I fell into a deep darkness, and then I woke up, and I could still feel him scrabbling at the edges of my consciousness, but it was MY consciousness, MINE to occupy and spread out in. Hit me again, please, hit me again, I miss being shot at and beaten. Please please please please please please please please please
+ get an STP just so you can pee on people you're mad at
25th Sept. 2021 2:04AM:It wants you to do things because you want to do them. Remember how it felt seeing all the boys go through puberty, remember how it wanted that too, looked at the hair growing and envied it. It wants to not have to modulate its tone of voice. It wants to be able to act in an eccentric variety of ways. It wants you to think about how many things you don’t do, JUST because you’re worried what everyone will think of you. Tweets you don’t share online, posts you don’t make to family and friends, messages you don’t send, ALL of the forms of expression you ignore because you’re embarrassed
I would warn would-be crazies not to gentrify madness by demanding a neatly delineated set of labels for all the personalities you have
2 April 2022: I think I'm inclined to call myself a GNC trans guy or a faggot because I'm disinclined to identify with anything that thinks of itself as inherently liberatory. I don't think that should have to be a prerequisite for being allowed to exist. I think there are gaps and missing pieces in all self-identifications, and while I love the openness of queer as a term, I also distrust something that thinks of itself as not missing any part of the picture.
"I want my anger to be taken seriously" means "I want to be seen as a threat." I think the grief of many angry marginalized people is that being seen as a threat alone doesn't always translate directly into power.